How goes your fantasy team? Sorry. Plural. How goes your teams? Fantasy beisbol is like a bag of Lay’s potato chips, right? One squad never cuts it. And plus, what if something goes wrong? I mean. Dude. We need options.
Which is why we have Carlos Santana in three formats. Seven formats. Whatever. The Backpack does not judge. Have ninety teams if you wish. Internet addictions are never bad. Rest assured that your life will totally move forward as imagined. It is a known fact that hot women are super into hearing about how bad Carlos is playing and how you lost almost an entire fifteen minutes of sleep trying to decide if you should bench him (I watch the games. Dude absolutely swings at every pitch thrown his way.) for Goldschmidt for yet another week, even though Goldy did squat for you last week.
Have no fear.
You have been pretending to listen to women for years. You learned the art on your mom and moved forward in the most linear of patterns without ever looking back. No worries if your wife or girlfriend or the girl willing to come over at one a.m. (for the youknowwhat) returns the favor.
Anyway. This post is not about women. It is about baseball. And how stupid we are for listening to fantasy writers.
Back to Carlos. Because, frankly, Carlos kinda stinks right now. Agreed? I see you nodding. But you took him. And I took him. We all took him. Actually, he was also assigned to me in a keeper league. I thought, great! Dude is going to be awesome. Everyone on the Internet says so, and the Internet knows everything about everything.
Before we move on, I would like the qualify my statements by saying that old Carlos also kind of does not stink. Well. He does. But only right now. Moreover, he could BE THE BEST OF ALL TIME OMG AND PLUS SOMEONE ELSE WILL GRAB HIM, so you keep him. But for Carlos to be valuable RIGHT NOW, you have bench Mr. Santana for Goldy or LaHair or some other 1B who is covered in articles that go like: “Holy Smokes!!! This guy is heating up!!! Dude is hitting .999 in the last half hour!!! Hot and getting hotter every minute hurry up and grab him before he is gone!!”
This is not to be confused with the January, February, and March articles that advised you not to draft Asdrubal Cabrera and Michael Bourn. They were going to be bad this year. But, hey, at least you’ve gotten to know Bonifacio, Alcides Escobar, and Cozart while Droobs plays like an All-Star, right?
Listen. This is the trust tree. And I am going to share. I went 2-7 in my games last week. Not many fantasy writers will tell you how they fared. Mostly, because they want you to keep reading their pointless typings so that they can continue the sports writer dream through the end of their lives. Unless, of course, they are 1. Lying or 2. Some know-it-all with a good team. Then, you will get to hear all about how good they are in every league. “Oh, I had Pouffle the day after Noah’s Ark landed and Noah thought it was a good idea to imbibe in a cave with his daughters.”
Good. For. You.
The guys in that second category are the worst imHo. The most miserable fantasy player. Tied for dead last with the gambling addicts. Simple snakes trying to trade you their Michael Young for your Joey Bats week two. But be assured, oh acolyte, that those fellas have either no woman, or an unattractive one. Need more? Some of them still live with their mom. At like fifty.